Shattered pieces

I am done trying to find myself in the bones of boys who don't understand me, 
Empty hearts and yearning hands do nothing but make me feel lonelier, colder, harder. 

I want late night conversations, 
stretched thin over cigarettes and the early morning light,
seeping through the windows. 

I want eager eyes and parted lips, 
as we open out heart and lay them bare. 

I am not ready to let go of my past, 
I want to share it, hold it, nurture it, 
let it grow in the early hours of the morning,
until we can both open the window and watch it fly away. 

I am tired of one night stands and eyes only for my skin. 

Learn me, 
let me learn you,
lets fall in love with our broken pieces. 

You said it better than I could, 
broken people find broken people,

Come be shattered with me? 

-----

again, and oldie that's been sitting in my journal for months.  I really should start putting dates on these haha. 

Achey Bones

It's been too long since I slept properly, 
and the memories of your fingers tracing against my jawlines makes me ache. 
It's only been a few weeks, but I miss you I miss you I miss you. 
The first night I woke up, you clutched me to your chest instead of just laying next to me. 
My heart skipped,
and god, did I smile for hours that day. 
I wish things could be different
I wish we could be closer.
And I am trying so hard to set up walls, 
because you are not mine, just as I am not yours. 
This is all just a silly little game, 
playing with matches and gasoline,
who will go up in flames first? 
What happens when this is all just ashes? 
I miss you
I miss you 
I miss you



------

I wrote this a while ago and it's been sitting in my journal for a good bit, figured it might want some attention. 

Smoke

I keep drawing smoke into my lungs with the hopes that it will fill the holes you left. 

I have three cigarettes left, 
and I still feel empty. 

My throat is raw,
and my chest is burning,
but I take another drag regardless. 

Because you taught me how, 
and each exhale makes your smile a little clearer in my memories. 

I am slowly killing myself,
with things your taught me,
so that the holes don't feel quite so large,

even though all I am doing is making them bigger. 

21 Things I Wish I Had Known When I Was Younger

1. The woman who gave birth to you did not abandon you.  When she held you for the first and last time, she held her world in her arms.  She knew that that world needed more than she could give to thrive.  You were not abandoned, she loved you enough to let you go.  She loved you more than anyone. 

2. When boys touch you and their hands leave stains, leave them.  They are not worth your time. 

3. When his "I love you"'s slip past his lips sounding like another chore he has to cross off his to do list, do not hold on to him.  You are are not someone's obligation. 

4. Your own potential is astounding, do not give up on your dreams for someone who does not see it. 

5. Your worth is not defined by how many people you sleep with, they do not keep part of you when you leave in the morning.  You are still whole. 

6. When he continues to feed you drinks well after you say you are done, it is not your fault.  When his hands touch you without your consent, do not blame yourself.  He was supposed to be your friend, not an animal waiting to pounce.  It was not your fault. 

7. Do not lessen yourself for people who do not understand the fire that burns inside you. 

8. You are allowed to say no, you don't owe anyone a damn thing. 

9. Remember the good times more than anything. She loves you so much, even if she doesn't know what to say sometimes.  Try harder to meet her in the middle, it is hard for both of you. 

10. Wishbones are lucky, remember each wish when they snap. 

11. Affection and "being clingy" are not the same.  Find someone who understands and embraces your need for physical touch. Literally. 

12. Beauty is much more than skin deep. 

13. Confidence is more than knowing your physical beauty. It means knowing you are worth happiness and that you deserve respect and kindness.  It means knowing you are worth the world. Have confidence. 

14. Millions of things came together to make your existence a reality, choose to use it however you like.  Be happy, be sad, all of your feelings are valid. 

15. When you get trapped in a web of lies, take a flamethrower and reduce it to ashes.  Your skin may get burned but you won't suffocate.  Seared flesh can heal, empty lungs cannot. 

16.  Karma is real, he will get his back. 

17.  Be kind to yourself.  Take hot showers, cut your nails, dye your hair, write, paint, let yourself thrive.  Let you be you. 

18.  Take care of yourself, remember to put yourself before anyone else. Your wellbeing is most important. 

19.  Make plans to hang out with good friends. Stay in touch, keep connected.  Socializing is important. 

20.  Being alone sometimes is healthy.  Learn to enjoy the quiet, don't let the silence scare you. 

21. You are real, you are kind, you are valid.  Don't let anyone tell you different.  Love yourself, set goals and reach them.  Let yourself thrive.  

Understand

I dream at night of the sun bleaching my hair,
and darkening my skin.
Of gas station food,
and sleeping under bridges, 

But I know you don't understand
 that. 

You don't see the beauty,
in the matted hair
and dirty clothes,
and worn out shoes.

You don't see how perfect,
watching the world fly by you
at a hundred miles an hour is.
while you chug cheap wine out of a bag,
in a park,
surrounded by kids just as dirty as you. 

I miss the smell of sweat
and dirt
and grime

I miss the long nights filled with good music,
harsh singing,
and people calling out, 
"Marco!" 
when they were ready to share

I miss the ache in my back,
from hours of endless walking,
lugging all we owned on our shoulders.

I miss all of it,
But I know you don't understand 
 that. 

Recovery

I have been told that I can move mountains with a look, 

that I am a goddess,

that I am beautiful and strong and that I am loved unconditionally

all by people I have never met.

Those words are kind,

and they bring me hope when I feel hopeless,

But once, someone very dear looked at me

and said very quietly,

"You know, in all the time that I've known you, 

I have never seen a broken girl,"

And that meant more 

that any compliment,

any empty phrase,

could ever mean. 

Because when you feel like your body is covered in a sickness,

that you just can't scrub off,

and when your heart is riddled with bullet wounds,

from the cruelty of abuse,

and your soul just feels shattered,

whenever you remember,

and you feel like no matter how good you are,

you will never be good enough.

Having someone tell you that you are not broken,

and that it is okay

to feel all those things,

and that those will all pass with time,

is the greatest gift,

I could have ever asked for. 

Regeneration

I was told a while ago by someone much wiser than me,

That every seven years your body is reborn,

that every cell has made it through it’s cycle, and you are totally new,

And it warms my heart to think that in just a few years, you will have never touched this body. 

I used to spent hours scrubbing my skin raw in the shower trying to wash off the feeling of your hands,

And now I just smile, because soon those hands will have never touched a single cell that I am made of. 

And I find comfort in that.