More.

There's just so much in my head, so many things those thoughts have caused.  Harmful, healing, I can't tell which is which anymore.  I can't figure any of it out.  I don't know why I do the things I do, none of them have meaning, none of them make sense.  I'm just floating, twitching through it all, hiding behind walls and not letting myself go.  Not letting it touch me, because when it touches, when it binds, it hurts.  And I can't stand the pain.  I'm not ready for the pain.  So I don't feel it.  I choose to stay locked away in my own head. Thinking my thoughts and doing what I do.  Surviving, if only just. But there is something deeper, something locked inside myself that I refuse to open, and if I opened it, I could exist again.  But I'm not so sure that I'm ready to exist. I've become so accustom to being this way, to not feeling that, that if I opened that, I'm scared that I'll explode. 
But I have to open it. I have to become more. I have to be myself again, because this person that I am now, isn't me.  I wouldn't do these things, I wouldn't hurt people like this. But I did. 
I choose to be better. I just have to find the key. 


I'm going on an adventure to find myself, and this will be the greatest adventure yet. 




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This is the only way I can describe it right now. 
Just know that I am sorry, and that I will do better. 
I won't let this happen again.